long time NO THOUGHTS….

22 08 2011

Its been a short bit since I have posted anything, and for good reason. Being a single Mommy [and all the wonderful adjustments that I’m making to make the best life I can for my son & myself] is a busy busy busy life to lead. Over the past few days I have realized that I still have a ton on my plate [and no room for dessert OR men… thx Mike @artisticdork for that one]. There are times that I feel sooo overwhelmed with everything, and I always feel like people are always breathing down my neck in one way shape or form. There are times that I feel like I just want to crawl under the covers and hide with Buggy. But then I find a way to either look at him or a picture of him and remember that I have to push myself to make sure that we have a balanced ending to the rocky start that I have created for the both of us at the moment.

Thats one of the many things that I feel guilt about; Buggy having a rocky start to life. No child should ever have to witness domestic violence [no matter what it is], and should never have to listen to their Daddy’s yelling their heads off at their Mommy’s. And in turn watching me trying to keep it all together and some what cheerful for his sake. When I go back and think about all of this, I wonder why I didn’t leave sooner or why I ever thought myX could change. [These are my thoughts when I’m running/exercising…. I have to get them out or they will slowly but surely eat me ALIVE… and I have too much to live for to let that happen]

I’m trying to figure out why I haven’t fully had a all-out emotional break-down about all of this. And a friend of mine told me that I have been preparing slowly for this for a few years. And that I have had plenty of time to let everything process and to slowly close off my heart and soul from the man that I vowed to love, honor and cherish [yea that got me very far…. NOT]

I have always said that ‘actions speak louder than words’ and I have always and I mean always told myX that. That he could always tell me he was ‘sooo sorry for acting that way’ or whatever he was saying he was sorry for, but he would always 1/2 ass his actions to match his words. It was like he was always just trying to shut me up so the cycle could just start all over again. And again why in the hell did I put up w/ that??? I was raised way better than that [again something else that has pissed me off and good motivation for running]. One example of myX’s words not matching his actions [and a sore spot that keeps on sticking out to me] is when he cheated on me. MyX was always good at telling me how beautiful I am… blah blah blah. But he wonder’s why I never believed him… well he f*cking cheated on me. How in the hell am I [or any woman for that matter] supposed to feel beautiful by the man that she loves when he goes and does that???? And to even believe him after that?????

One of the things that I’m learning for myself is how to love myself. and to love myself means that I’m sweating out all of the emotions and toxin’s that I have from the last 3 years. I have been highly silent on how I feel on most things when it comes to my personal life [I’ve always been like that]. But I’m working on getting those emotions out in a healthy and making sure that they get directed at the person/people that they need to be directed at.

On a positive note I have lost 13lbs this past month :)… and I’m looking forward to loosing about 13-15 more lbs over the next month or so. I have my goal that I WILL get to by my 29th birthday… So I’m well on my way to reaching it.




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